Consumed and confused
by Little.Latina
Summary: Loving him and waiting for him was consuming and confusing. Set around the fourth season.


Loving him is consuming and confusing. It consumes you and confuses you, yes, of that you are very aware. Loving him has made you fall in a constant, vicious circle that knows no end and obviously will not know an end, at least not any time soon (which is completely frustrating), and even though you once thought you did, you are staring to wonder if you know what to do 'about this'.

Consumed and confused he leaves you every time, every day of your life consumed and confused you live, and every time you try to break said circle something happens and you fall back right inside of it, you find yourself once again trapped in it, all possible exits ruled out because there is no way you are ever going to escape your own feelings, those that are confusing and consuming, those that dominate you even if you are supposed to be a wild, free soul that wants the rest of the world to believe no one can control you or dominate you or bring you down.

Waiting for him consumes you and confuses you, so do the signals he throws your way, those signals he throws your way from time to time. Waiting hurts you and leaves you empty and oh, do you some times wish you could stop feeling, do you some times wish you just felt nothing, just like he does… But waiting hasn't made you numb, yet, and you wonder if someday besides confusing you and hurting you and consuming you almost violently waiting for him to understand what needs to be done 'about this' will somehow end up helping you become numb, as numb as you wish you were, as numb as wish you had been born, as numb as you wish you had learned to be several years ago, so nothing would hurt as much as it actually does.

The answer your mind gets to every time you ask yourself that question is a mixture of feelings and reflections and sensations you are yet to analyze and discover and rediscover, but said mixture of feelings and reflections and sensations are as confusing as he is so you cannot figure them out, even if you have been trying and trying for years, even if to figure them out is all you want to do, even if you once thought you had them all figured out, even if you once thought you did know what to do 'about it'.

God, there was a time when you thought you had him figured out, and then you turned around and faced a truth you weren't ready to face, really: you were far from having figured Gil Grissom out. To figure him out is what you need to do as soon as possible, because this consuming and confusing feelings he awakes in you are driving you crazy, crazy out of your mind, and if once you told him one day it would be too late to know 'what to do about this', now you are starting to wonder if _you _really know it yourself or if you still have to learn and figure out a great deal of things, one of them being 'what to do about it' before it comes a time when it will be too late.

Loving him, waiting for him… You are getting tired. It frustrates you. It confuses you. It consumes you. God, do you wish you were numb. God, do you wish you felt nothing. God, do you wish you could figure him out. God, do you wish you could figure this out.

You, yourself, are starting to think you wouldn't know what to do 'about this' if you were given the chance, because you have yet to figure him out. You have yet a lot of things to figure out.

Your thoughts are clouded and confusing and consuming and you cannot understand yourself and it frustrates you, and the alcohol just numbs you for a matter of hours and you out of all people cannot allow yourself to show the rest of the world you have lost control. Maybe you have, maybe control is something you've been lacking of, but that is not a detail for the rest of the world to know, that is something you want to keep a secret, that is something that you won't let the rest of them notice.

God, you're not making sense again.

It's been a long time since you last made sense.

You've been feeling like this for a long time.

You've been confused and consumed for a long time.

He consumes you and frustrates you and he confuses you and the signals he throws at you don't really help you much, they just worsen it all. Waiting for him and loving him and trying to figure him out and trying to understand if you do or don't know what to do 'about this' and trying to regain the control you've lost while hiding the fact that said control has been gone for quite some time now and numbing your pain with that medicine some call alcohol is confusing and consuming as hell.

Those thing are confusing and consuming as he is.

You are confused and consumed.

And you are starting to think that maybe you yourself have never known what to do 'about this'.

And that is a thought that confuses you and frustrates you and consumes you even more than loving him and waiting for him does.


End file.
